Have you heard of the term covert aggressive? Even if you haven’t, you’ve probably experienced it! Often times people say someone is being “passive aggressive” when they really mean covert aggressive. I’ve found the distinction to be very helpful.
I learned the term covert aggression from the book In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by Dr. George Simon. I highly recommend reading it. Here are some thoughts mostly from it, plus some of my own:
Starting with the more familiar term: when someone is being passive aggressive it’s important to stress that they are being passive. For example they:
- Avoid finishing a project
- Don’t show up for an appointment
- “Forget” to pick something up
They are avoiding acting in order to passively (usually) express anger. It often involves not talking and not doing.
On the other hand, covert aggression usually involves very active talking and doing and then covering it up. For example:
- Talk behind someone’s back to gain an advantage, while smiling to their face
- Give compliments to someone in a way that enables them to be manipulated
- Step on someone’s foot and then pretend it was an accident, especially if the goal is to intimidate or throw someone off balance (literally or figuratively)
Simply put, covert aggression is being aggressive and trying to pretend they are not being aggressive.
What’s Behind It
Passive aggressive people are sometimes described as “cowardly”. In this blog post Dr Simon describes passive aggressive people as “ambivalent, negativistic, and often self-defeating.” While covert aggressive people are “deceptive, conniving, and manipulative.” Instead of being cowardly, they are bold and ambitious.
Here are some of my own thoughts: people act passive aggressive because they don’t have the courage to own their own feelings and express them openly. Covert aggression is about not wanting to be held accountable for their intention. Their intention is to aggressively get what what they want. And they don’t want to get in trouble or be held accountable for that fact. So they hide their aggression.
Why It Matters
As Dr Simon makes clear in In Sheep’s Clothing, most of us use covert aggression occasionally. But some people have a covert aggressive or manipulative personality:
An individual’s personality can be defined by the way he or she habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large. It’s the distinctive interactive “style” or relatively ingrained way a person prefers to deal with a wide variety of situations and to get the things they want in life. Certain personalities can be ever so ruthless in their interpersonal conduct while concealing their aggressive character or perhaps even projecting a convincing, superficial charm.
That’s the main reason I think this is something so important to understand: covert aggressive people can be very charming! They can be very good at convincing people, including their victims, that they are acting for the benefit of everyone. It doesn’t mean they are bad people. But these people exist. And it is really helpful to understand and be realistic about certain tendencies.
Have you noticed passive or covert aggressive behavior in your life? Do you think the distinction matters? Please feel free to comment below.
(I’ve been meaning to write more for years. This is my first step. I hope to write a lot more including connecting up the idea of covert aggression with subjects I’ve written about in this blog: unschooling, climate change, and social justice organizing. How do those all connect? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!)